Most people I’ve talked to have some guilt and shame about their substance abuse. Maybe you found yourself evading and denying legitimate questions about your actions. Maybe what you did was illegal, unhealthy, ill-advised or reckless. So yeah, that shit can make you feel really bad about yourself.
But after extensive legitimate research (google & wikipedia: thank you!), I can tell you this: all humans make mistakes. Everyone lies at times. Everyone makes regretable decisions. And none of us can or should be defined by our mistakes.
So, let’s talk about guilt & shame and see what we can learn.
Guilt: a feeling you get when you did something wrong (or feel you did). Usually tied to a specific act or omission (broke a law; lied; failed to help someone in need).
Guilt says “I did something bad”.
The presence of guilt requires empathy, and can strongly motivate one to take actions to correct the wrong and avoid doing it again.
Guilt can be healthy and reflect acceptance of responsibility for one’s behaviors.
Resolving Guilt: acknowledge the wrong. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness.
Shame: a feeling that your whole self or character is flawed.
Shame says “I am bad”.
Shame lowers self-esteem, and is associated with depression, anxiety, anger, worthlessness and hopelessness.
Shame tends to be unhealthy and is more likely to lead to self-destructive behaviors and feelings.
Resolving Shame: Unconditional self-acceptance. Self-compassion. Mindfulness. Transform shame into guilt: you are not bad; you feel bad about yourself because of mistakes that you can rectify.
Check out this article from Psychology Today.
Dr. Kristin Neff is a psychologist who has become very well known for her research and guidance on self-compassion. Her website has some great resources on this topic.