How I Beat Addiction
OMG – super easy!
1. I developed a true desire to quit.
2. I quit.
3. I stayed quit & fucking moved on.
I know, I’m a comedic genius. But in some ways it’s true. Maybe it will be helpful if I elaborate?
Out of Step
*If you’re a dedicated 12-step person, please just skip down to “SMART Recovery.” I have no desire to detract from your program. My intention is to record my experience for those who are similarly inclined; people who feel unsure and even alienated by some of what they hear at 12-step meetings.
The first days of rehab were odd to say the least. I was spilling my guts to complete strangers about the worst actions in my life. Horrifying, but also liberating. It was a relief to get it all out. I was excited about and committed to making this huge change in my life – for so many reasons, but perhaps none more than for my wife and marriage. Many people with SUDs function highly and hide some aspects of their problem very well. But I wasn’t fully myself, and the person closest to me saw and felt that more than anyone.
At 12-step meetings I put a lot of mental energy into “take what you need and leave the rest.” (There are hundreds of 12-step slogans). But I am drawn toward philosophical, conceptual thinking, and I love etymology. I’m also not wired to be a faithful believer. My parents love telling the story of 5 year old Andy sitting in Sunday school listening to the story of Jonah and the Whale. A good friend of theirs was teaching the lesson, and when he finished, I asked, “Did that really happen, or is it just a story?” He was so disarmed by this sincere question coming from a 5 year old, that he responded with complete honesty: “I think it’s just a story, Andy.”
I met many supportive and positive people at AA & NA meetings, and I am thankful for what they offered and modeled. For me, though, it was just not a good match. There’s a lot of repetitive ritual to the meetings (much like a mass or church service) that I do not enjoy, and all these folks calling themselves alcoholics and addicts in spite of sometimes years and years of sobriety. And there was just no way for me to side-step the role of the Christian God and powerlessness in the program. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t help but feel undermined by the underlying philosophy.
SMART Recovery
A major perk of going to rehab at PSI is Chicago. Lots of great walking, food, museums, etc. And also lots of variety in recovery meetings. I found an AA meeting for agnostics & atheists that was a somewhat better fit for me. I also found SMART Recovery, Recovery Dharma, and LifeRing. LifeRing is fairly similar to SMART, but less organized nationally and has fewer resources overall. Recovery Dharma is a recovery path centered around mindfulness and modeled on Buddhist beliefs and traditions. I highly recommend checking it out, regardless of your religious beliefs. It’s inherently very inclusive. Incorporating mindfulness into recovery is widely recommended. In addition to mindfulness, Recovery Dharma emphasizes self-forgiveness, forgiveness of others, lovingkindness, and compassion. All good things.
SMART Recovery was a great find. It is empowering, supportive, and realistic. Most importantly it is based on evidence-based psychological principles: cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT); rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT); acceptance & commitment therapy (ACT); and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). The acronyms don’t matter; there’s no test! SMART has a core collection of “tools” – exercises derived from those approaches. They are focused on helping identify dysfunctional thoughts and beliefs many of us have that increase frustration, anxiety, and other negative emotions, which in turn contribute to substance (mis)use. They help you recognize what you’ve been doing, why you’ve been doing it, what the costs are, and on building a positive and engaging life that does not include dependence on substances.
All of the tools are free on their website (smartrecovery.org), and on a series of YouTube videos. They have online meetings and chat groups, some of which help you find “your people:” groups restricted to women only; veterans; medical/healthcare professionals; LGBTQ, etc.
The specific tools that helped me early in recovery include: the cost-benefit analysis; the hierarchy of values & lifestyle balance (explicitly listing what you value most in life & reflecting on this); disputing irrational beliefs; and many others.
I am actively involved in SMART Recovery meetings, and I think this approach is superb. One of the tools is “stages of change,” where you reflect on where you’re at in the continuum of substance misuse. It starts at precontemplation (you don’t perceive your substance use as a problem) and progresses through contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and critically: termination. Some people may want and need to stay in maintenance for long periods, and/or revisit the recovery world as needed. But when you’re ready, you can step off the wheel:
Recently I mentioned being “in recovery,” and my wife asked me how long I would be in recovery. A few years ago I might have said “forever.” But it got me thinking, which is what led to all of this. In my previous reading I’d come across Stanton Peele but I hadn’t read any of his work in detail (The Life Process Model, mentioned in Part II). I read Never Enough by Judith Grisel, and re-read Johan Hari’s Chasing the Scream, and Lewis’s The Biology of Desire. And I discovered the Freedom Model. I have to say that reading the Freedom Model was filled with “a-ha!” & “I’ve found my people” moments!
If you have achieved stable & content sobriety with a 12-step program, I don’t necessarily recommend it. It is diametrically opposed to much of what you learn in AA/NA, and what you hear in conventional addiction and recovery talk. If you do read it (the book is available on Amazon), it is one of those concepts that absolutely requires that you read it in its entirety before you judge it or make any conclusions. They build their case step by step, and every component of their argument needs to be understood and integrated to do it justice.
If you feel you’ve gotten into a bad pattern of substance use and/or dependence, and you want to put your heart and mind into turning it around… if you sometimes feel that the “recovery world” might be a lifestyle that puts an unhealthy emphasis on a negative “addict/alcoholic” self-image, focused on a never ending fight against a lurking disease, and that for the rest of your life you’ll be denying yourself a substance that you really kind of want – you will really appreciate the Freedom Model!
The Freedom Model – my ultra-condensed summary
-Addiction is not a chronic disease & it matters. (Hell yeah!)
-There are many myths about addiction to unlearn.
-We learn to associate drug effects based on expectations and folklore. We believe the same drug (alcohol) can cause relaxation & violence. Haziness and creativity. Sociability and numbness. Let’s have fun: drink! Let’s relax: drink! I’m psyched: drink! I’m nervous: drink! No drug actually has all of these opposing effects. It’s all learned expectation & behavior.
-Substances don’t relieve stress, anger, sadness, worry, or any emotion. They temporarily distract. They cause physiological changes that we learn to associate with pleasure.
-Actions & choices are voluntary.
-Control is not truly lost.
-Choices are made for reasons. Nothing “causes” (forces) choices.
-We will choose what we think is best in the moment based on happiness (the Positive Drive Principle).
-Deterrents/thinking you must do something is denying your choice in the matter. You aren’t owning the responsibility of making a free choice. Feeling deprived will leave you frustrated and unhappy, and relapse is very likely.
-Positive motivators & happiness in abstinence encode long-term stability.
-You are a freely choosing person who doesn’t need to be scared, shamed or coerced into anything. Substance use is a choice that is fully yours to make. You can change your mind. What are the reasons you will be happier without heavy substance use?
I covered most of the components of the Freedom Model in parts I & II, but I highly recommend reading the book to fully appreciate their argument and recommendations.
I have a few criticisms:
➤I think it discounts the “addictiveness” of substances – their physiological effects that are a reason we are drawn to their use, and the very real (reversible) neurological effects they cause that impair our decision-making and judgment. I agree with the Freedom Model: I don’t believe we can say we “lose control” of choice. Substance use becomes an ingrained habit that we prefer for many reasons, some good/some bad.
➤It can take considerable time and effort to identify & process the problems that are contributing to our desire to use substances.
➤It takes time and effort to learn & incorporate healthy coping mechanisms. It should be emphasized that there is a real and meaningful role for early recovery support groups and therapy.
➤It may help many people to use deterrents to stay “on course” during early recovery, so don’t overlook them as a temporary tool.
With all of this fresh in mind, what do you think? Isn’t drinking alcohol a complex action that requires planning and multiple steps before it gets to your stomach? You must make a series of decisions and perform numerous specific voluntary physical actions to make it happen (These issues are no less for obtaining & using an illegal substance). Can you honestly say that all of that is involuntary, out of your control? Or are there multiple tiny decisions and actions that you green light? Moments where you say “yeah, I want this”… “I need this”… “fuck it”. Because deep down you believed it would make you feel better, relieved, happier, lighter, whatever. Even if you know it’s temporary. Even if it has huge costs.
There are multiple points where you can choose not to do it. I know it’s not easy! When you’ve developed tolerance and dependence, or are feeling withdrawal symptoms, the pull is strong, and the choice to abstain is very hard. You might even take some steps down the road to using/drinking without much conscious thought. But it won’t be a done deal without intention. You can choose to quit. It will be hard until you’ve turned a lot of this upside down – recognize the “good feelings” are false/temporary/empty/inadequate… the costs are so high it’s not worth it… your life really is better without it.
It’s been said that if you had a gun to your head, you could say no any time. So depending on your situation – if you’re in a real crisis – maybe you need to put the metaphorical barrel to your head for a bit, and “make yourself” say no. Can you do that for a few rounds? (Hint: yes, you can.) Then as your head clears you can think through all of the things contributing to your situation, your coping mechanisms (good and bad), your goals, who it is you want to be, and how you want to use your days on this planet.
People who quit “cold turkey” have described going through all of these thoughts and coming out the other end virtually instantly. And from that moment, they were no longer a drinker, a smoker, a user. I think in all of these cases, an internal dialogue was probably going on before the final change occurred. Maybe for months or years. That was my experience.
In Summary: How I Did It
I believe the starting point for dealing with addiction is assuming personal responsibility. No outside force is going to change your actions. If substance use has created problems in your life, it takes reflection, desire, and intention to change.
1) The process of recovery begins when you recognize substance use is causing trouble in your life; that your life will be better and you will be happier if you control your substance use.
2) If you are dependent on alcohol or benzodiazepines (Valium, Xanax, etc.), you might need medical help to safely taper off, so give strong consideration to talking to your physician. Other drugs of abuse (opioids, marijuana, cocaine, stimulants, psychedelics) do not pose the risk of death with sudden tapering. It can be uncomfortable psychologically and physiologically (flu-like symptoms) for a period of days.
3) Talk to a physician if you feel you would benefit from medical assistance – there are drugs that can make this transition easier in various ways, or that offer reinforcement to early sobriety. Chronic pain underlying opioid use can be addressed in a number of ways.
4) Educate yourself:
*What do you believe about how substances make you feel?
*Think through what these things mean to you: control, choice, voluntary, involuntary, causes, reasons.
*What are your issues? Invest some time reflecting on- or in therapy- understanding your irrational beliefs, identifying cognitive distortions, learning effective coping methods. See the post on “Psychological Approaches.”
*Teach yourself the arguments for and against the disease model of addiction. Come to your own decision.
5) Get support if you want it: some may be able to do all of this on their own, but there is evidence that support groups, therapists, sponsors, etc. increase successful outcomes. Accountability in the form of random breathalyzer or drug testing can be a powerful motivator early on. Tell at least one person what you are doing, or write your goals out.
6) Look at the big picture. Addiction is a SUD associated that negatively impacts your relationships and self-care. You and those around you will benefit from work related to making amends for actions (and inactions) affected by your substance use. Rebuilding trust can be a major undertaking with huge rewards. What are your dearest values? Who do you want to be? How do you want to use your time on this planet?
Abstinence based on willpower can work short-term, but it will fail long-term. For ongoing success, you need to operate from this starting point: “substance use isn’t working, it isn’t good for me, I am happiest without it.” Abstinence, sobriety or moderated use must be what you want; what makes you happy. Engineer THAT and you will have succeeded.
7) At some point in all of this you will have a decision to make. Am I stopping this right now? If not, why not? Recognize the decision, the choice, the actions involved and take responsibility for it.
I hope this gives you some insight into addiction and recovery, and that you find your way!
~Andy